CHRISTIAN
MARRIAGE
Lesson 11
The Christian
Wife
A. Most men and women go into
marriage with little or no understanding of the biblical view of marriage.
Consequently each partner comes into marriage with his or her own version of
what a marriage should be and his or her ideal for the other partner based on
human reasoning fantasy and myth. The
result of all this idealistic thinking about marriage is great disillusionment,
and the result of disillusionment with our mate is an invisible battle line is
drawn across the soul of the marriage and the siege begins.
B. Most marriages end up a
battle of the wills because each person tries to get the other person to
conform to his or her ideal. Someone has said, ÒEvery marriage begins with the
wife thinking her husband will change and the husband thinking she never will.Ó
Someone else said, ÒAt every wedding when the wife enters the Chapel, she looks
down the aisle at the altar and sees her bridegroom, and the thought in her
mind is, ÒIÕll alter him.Ó
C. What really needs to happen
is that each partner in a marriage is to stop working on the other partner to
change and start working on changing himself or herself according to the Word
of God. The greatest way to change our partner is to change ourselves. It is
not a 50-50 commitment but a 100-100 commitment by both partners to find their
biblical role in a marriage.
II. SUBJECTS OF SUBMISSION (22a): ÒWivesÓ
A. Ephesians 5:22-24 must be
put into its context. The Apostle Paul has been instructing the Ephesian
Christians on how to live in the unsaved world. They were to walk as children
of light and the last command for them was to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
Then Paul shows that three virtues characterize one who is filled with the
Spirit—making music, a spirit of thanksgiving for all things and a submissive
spirit to the brethren. (Eph. 5:18-21).
B. Immediately Paul begins to
show how submission works out in a practical way in real life: submission of wives to husbands, submission
of children to their parents and submission of slaves to their masters.
C. Notice Paul addresses Òwives.Ó
What kind of wives? Obviously, Christian wives who acknowledge the Lordship of
Jesus Christ over them and have a willingness to obey scripture.
D. Most women in this world are
not Christians. Many unsaved women will say, ÒYou Christian women are crazy.
This is the 20th century. Women donÕt submit to men any longer. You Christian women
are still living in the Victorian Age.Ó This command is to Christian wives of
every age of history and they are to obey the Bible no matter what the non-Christian
world is thinking, saying or doing.
E. Again, these were Christian
wives. Because of Christ, these women had been brought into great liberty in
Christ. In New Testament times, women were frowned upon. They were thought of as
a piece of property just a little more valuable than horses in the stable. In
the Jewish culture, a Jewish men would pray every day, ÒThank you, God, that
you did not make me a Gentile, a slave or a woman!Ó In the Greek and Roman cultures,
women even had a worse situation and were thought of as bearers of children
only. Demosthenes said, ÒWe have courtesans for the sake of pleasure. We have
concubines for the sake of daily cohabitation. We have wives for the purpose of
bearing children legitimately and we have a faithful guardian for all of our
household affairs.Ó
The commentator Barkley said, ÒThe women of respectable classes in Greece led a completely secluded life. She took no part in public life. She never appeared on the streets alone. She never even appeared at meals or social occasions. She had her own apartments and none but her husband could enter into them. It was the aim of the Greek that she might see as little as possible, hear as little as possible and ask as little as possible.Ó
F. These Ephesian women were
relatively new Christians and with their conversion came an elevation from bondage
into a freedom they had never known before. There may have been a tendency to
rebel against their husbands with their new liberty. Now Paul commands them to draw the line at submission to
their own husbands.
III. FACT OF SUBMISSION (22b): ÒSubmitÓ
A. Christian women are commanded
to be in submission to their husbands. A command is to be kept. It is not an
option, but a necessity for women to submit to their husbands. This does not
mean a woman has to be submissive to all men because she is a woman. She must submit
to her husband only.
B. The word ÒsubmitÓ means Òto
put or place under.Ó It was a military word which conveyed rank, position or
office. It was a voluntary submission where one placed himself under the
authority of someone else. So, the submission of a Christian woman is also
voluntary. Can you imagine what an army would be like if all were generals or
privates? On a football team, there can be only one quarterback who calls the
plays and all other team members must be in submission to him, voluntarily
placing themselves under his authority if they are going to win the game.
C. Before we spell out what submission
is, we best discuss what submission is not.
1. First, submission is not
inferiority.
a. There are many male
chauvinists who believe all women are inferior to all men, but that is not
scriptural because positionally in Christ men and women are spiritually equal
(Gal. 3:28).
b. In her basic nature, the women
is not inferior to a man anymore than a private is inferior to a general in the
army. Just in the same way, a private could be superior to a general intellectually,
morally, socially and in spiritual maturity. However, the private is always
below the general in rank, and so the wife is in rank, position and office
subordinate to her husband.
c. Submission has nothing to do
with inferiority, but everything to do with subordination.
d. Just as God the Father and
God the Son are one in essence and yet in rank Christ is submitted to the
Father, so the woman is one in position and nature with man, but is subordinate
in rank (1 Cor. 11:3).
2. Second, submission is not
suppression.
a. Just because a woman submits
to her husband does not mean she has to be a wallflower with no personality. A
husband must never suppress her talents, creativity or leadership skills.
b. Being a submissive wife does
not mean she must say, ÒYes, dear. No dear. Whatever you say, dear.Ó That is
not submission, but stupidity.
c. Submission is not
suppression.
3. Third, submission is not
resentment.
a. Just as it is possible for a
private to be in subjection to the general with gritted teeth, but all the time
wishing he could spit in the generalÕs face, so it is possible for a Christian
wife to grudgingly submit to her husband with no joy in her heart.
b. Submission does not carry
with it the idea of resentment on the part of the person being subjected. It
does; however, carry with it the idea of respect for the one to whom she is
subjected.
c. ÒHowever, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,
and the wife must respect her husbandÓ (Eph. 5:33). She respects the
position her husband occupies before God.
d. When out with other women,
she does not speak negatively about her husband, but she respects and honors
him before others.
D. Submission then is yielding
to rank, submitting to position and complying with the office of leader. Women
are making progress in the area of rights, but what are their limits as a
Christian wife? The one limit is submission to their husband in the biblical style.
E. Five times it says in the
New Testament that wives are to submit to their husband (Col. 3:18; Tit. 2:4-5;
1 Pet. 3:1, 5) but it never tells a woman to love her husband with agape love. It does teach in Titus that
older women are to teach the younger women to love their husbands. But the word
for love is phila—a love of
affection not volition.
A. The Christian wife is to submit
to her own husband, not to all men because she is a woman, or to someone elseÕs
husband. She is to submit to the man she has consented to marry and with whom she
has developed an intimate and exclusive relationship.
B. LetÕs assume that a Christian woman someday becomes president of the United States. There is, by the way, nothing scriptural that says this is wrong. She may lead the nation during the day, but at night, when she comes home, she is to be in submission to her husband. The tragedy is that most women, especially in western cultures, want the references to obedience and submission taken out of the marriage vows.
A. Some have taken this to mean
the Christian wife is to obey her husband as though he was Christ. They say,
ÒWhatever my husband says, it is really Jesus talking to me.Ó This is wrong and a form of husband
idolatry.
B. What Paul is saying is that
when a wife submits to her husband she is not doing it primarily out of obedience
to her husband, but out of obedience to Christ. She does submit to her husband
because Christ has asked her to do it.
C. It is not an easy thing or a natural thing for a wife to be in subjection to her husband. The thing that can change a tedious and difficult situation is the attitude, ÒI'm going to submit for the Lord even when I do not agree with my husbandÕs decision.Ó A woman can submit with joy when she does it for the Lord. Then she doesnÕt care what the results are because the results are Christ Ôs business. Actually, a woman is never freer to be herself than when she joyfully submits to her husbandÕs authority.
D. Submission is a joyful
experience when it is motivated out of love for Christ first before it is motivated
out of love for the husband.
A. In the organizational
structure of the world, God has ordained and constituted Christ to be the head
of the church. Because of the priority of man in creation, God made him the
functional head of the woman. Man is head of the woman because God ordered it
that way in His own good providence and according to the counsel of his own
will.
B. What would it be like if
there were two heads of the church? There would be competition, struggle and
war. What if there was no head of the church? There would be disorder, division
and anarchy. God has ordained man to be the head (leader) and woman to be the
helper (follower) submitting to her husbandÕs decisions. A marriage cannot
survive with two heads or no head. With leadership comes tremendous
responsibility.
C. Christ is the Savior of the
church and by analogy, the husband is the savior of the marriage. The husband
is the protector and provider of the wife. It is very easy for a woman to be in
subjection to a man who vitally cares for his wife. What a challenge this is to
every husband.
D. Being head of the woman does
not give a husband the right to boss her around as though he were a first
sergeant or be a tyrant over her like a field general shouting irresponsible
and ridiculous commands. He must rule out of love and this then gives the woman
the desire to submit.
A. Immediately I can see the
gleam in the eyes of some wives who say, ÒExactly how is the church generally submitting
to Christ? Usually, it is in rebellion not submission. And if that is the way IÕm suppose to submit, then I will
gladly do it.Ó Or they reason, ÒOK, my husband is the head, but IÕm the neck
who moves the head.Ó Or she might think, ÒThe real issue is not who rules the
roost, but who rules the rooster.Ó
B. When Paul says, Òsubmit in
everything,Ó he is speaking about the ideal, not the actual working out of submission
practically. All women have a problem with submission to their husbands just
like all Christians have a problem with submission to Christ. Furthermore, each
time the church fails to submit, it spells trouble for the body of Christ, and
so every time a wife fails to submit to her husband, it spells trouble for the
marriage.
C. It clearly says the wife is
to submit to her husband in everything—not some things, a few things, the
convenient things or the things she feels comfortable about, but everything.
A woman might recoil at this and say, ÒYou donÕt know the brut I live with.
That monster is cruel, mean and inconsiderate.Ó But the Bible says everything!
I did not write this, Paul did, and he wrote it under divine inspiration so it
is authoritative.
D. Are there are any exceptions
to this rule? Yes. If your husband
asks you to do something morally wrong, something contrary to the moral law of
God, then you must obey God rather than man. If he asks you to lie, steal,
cheat, have an affair or whatever, then your answer is a categorical ÒNO.Ó
1. In the decision making
process, the woman is not to be passive. She is not to say nothing, do nothing
and think nothing while her husband makes arbitrary decisions as some tyrant or
dictator.
2. The husband is to encourage
his wife to give him input. She is to express her desires, speak her viewpoint
and even set forth a sanctified argument if necessary to make her point.
3. The husband must not squelch
her wisdom and insight. Women have practical and intuitive insight that most men
do not have.
4. Then they pray together and
the final decision belongs to the husband.
5. There is a complete
democracy in the decision making process until a final decision is made and
then it is a total dictatorship.
6. In most cases when this
procedure is followed, there will be harmony. But in 5% there will be contrary
opinions. Then the wife must submit to her husband, trusting God for the final outcome.
F. What if the wife violently
disagrees? Say nothing and pray. Perhaps the husband will change his mind. DonÕt
argue. DonÕt nag. If after awhile it looks as though a bad decision has been
made, donÕt say, ÒI told you so!Ó Man is a very proud creature. This kind of an
attitude will just drive a deeper wedge between you and your husband.
G. A husband and wife nay
disagree over child discipline, finances, housework, women working outside the
home, recreation, sex or whatever but the final decision always rests with the
husband and the woman must submit. The woman must remember God holds the man responsible
for these decisions.
In our family, my wife kiddingly says that she leaves all the big decisions to me and she makes the smaller decisions. She decides if we are going to buy a new house or move to a new city or where to send the kids to college. But she allows me to make the big decisions, like should China get out of the UN or should the US invade Iraq or should we put a freeze on nuclear weapons!
A. Christian wife, you are to
be subject to your husband like the church is subject to Christ. The next time
you have a problem accepting your husbandÕs ultimate decisions, perhaps it
might be well to go around your house singing hymns, but changing the words
slightly: ÒIÕll go where you want me to go, my dear, IÕll do what you want me to
do.Ó ÒHave thine own way, Love,
have thine own way.Ó ÒAnywhere my
husband leads me. What have I to ask besides.Ó
B. Now there are also some
hymns you must never sing such as ÒSound the Battle CryÓ or ÒThe Fight is On.Ó